Letting go...

Today was a tearful day. As my tummy shrinks I realize more and more the reality of how I don't get to hold this baby. I have cried on and off but today was a bit more of really letting go. Jesus gets to hold my baby and I am jealous. I am thankful I have my little peanut Issie still toddling around who lets me hold on her and snuggle. She is little for her age and super snuggly so I am taking all I can get while I can get it. The other two are not so hip on the long snuggles these days.

I got out with a friend today, running errands as I want to get out of the house but don't want to take the whole family and don't want to stop the narcotics. So my friend Molly was my chauffeur and it was nice to be out.

This stage is difficult because you are ready to move on but just can not do it completely. I am letting go. Letting it be what it is, moment to moment.

I have this picture on our family wall of all our babies in heaven. It is so special to me, a daily reminder of our family. I was thinking that I need to find another picture to add to the frame. As I was looking at it I realized I did not need a picture. One of the pictures is of Jesus with our boy Finn, and Jesus is tickling him and they are both laughing. I love this picture. Well in the picture there is another boy, looking over Jesus' shoulder, hanging on him. I remember when I put the picture up, Jack asked me, "who is that other boy in the picture". I told him, I am sure it is a friend of Finn. Yesterday as I was looking at the pictures, I was struck by the fact that, that is Caleb in the picture. Caleb was there all along, at least in God's eyes. I know this may seem wierd to some, some may say "these are just sketches of random babies and kids" but they are not to me. To me they are tangible, they are my babies, real and vibrant and happy.

I love that the Lord is so real in this with me. I have short moments of loneliness but for the most part I feel God's presence in every detail. Thank you for your prayers, I feel the power that comes with them.