Day by Day

I am feeling stuck. I feel like I can do things and then realize I cannot. It has been less than a week but I am ready to move forward. Physically my body wants to just sit around, emotionally I want to do something, mentally I am going a little nuts. Jewelry has been therapeutic, I have not done much for months and was putting my business on hold but suddenly I am busy and it is relaxing so I a grateful to have it.

Yesterday, at Kadie's school one of the moms just announced she was pregnant. Kadie's teachers know I lost the baby but I don't think many of the moms know. It was difficult. I could feel Kadie's teacher wanting to protect me from the news. I am happy for her, it is not that. I just realized that when you are pregnant, it brings out the best in everyone, it is the miracle of life and even people you don't expect get caught up in the excitement of it all. At work, everyone was so excited to see me and here what was going on in the pregnancy. There is a little cloud of excitement and positive energy the follows you around. Well, my cloud has changed to a little cloud of sadness that follows me around. It is not that I am necessarily sad all the time but I remind people of something sad that has happened, people don't know what to say, they are grieving too. Yesterday, I cried all the way home just realizing the difference of the cloud of excitement and the cloud of sadness. It sucks.

I went to church on Sunday, which was a big step. We have a wonderful little church and I just returned from a wonderful women's retreat last weekend (right before we lost the baby). It is just hard to go and have that sad attention on you. God is good though, the people were wonderful, it was not overwhelming, it was loving and gentle and genuine. It was good for me to go and continue moving forward.

I know to some people it may seem soon, but Brad and I are sure we are done with this stage of the game. We are very content with our family. The emotional roller coaster of me getting pregnant is just too much for us, for our family, for the people we love. We are ready to move into the next (no longer making babies) season of our life. Brad is ready for the surgery, I am ready to pass along blessings in maternity clothes and out grown baby gear. We are excited about the next season, of school buses, homework, soccer tournaments, swimming lessons, and family vacations.

Each day is different than the day before. Best to not have any expectations. I am blessed that my mother in law is paying for someone to come and spring clean and help organize my house for a few weeks. I am blessed by dear friends that remind me that I am never alone. I am blessed by a thoughtful, loving and patient husband. I am blessed by all of your prayers.

I have been reading in Deuteronomy over the past week or so. I love this book in the Old Testament. It repeats itself a lot, probably because we need to hear it over and over. The common theme is don't forget what the Lord has done for you. In the bad times and in fear, remember what He has done for you, the miracles he has done. In the good times, do not take credit for where you can arrived, do not forget that the Lord had given you everything you have. Do not forget the faithfulness of our Lord. Do not fear, do not forget and shout it from the mountain tops to all who will listen. Tell your children what He has done for you, write it on your forehead, write it on your door frame. Do not forget. I will not forget what the Lord has done for me and that He is so faithful.

I love you all.