Blessings and memories

The past week has been good but bumpy at times. I feel blessed each day from someone, some new moment of encouragement, some sweet words or well needed hug. Thank you all for continuing to be there for me and for being so genuine in your compassion, it blesses me and it blesses the Lord. This is what He intended when He designed the body of Christ.

Last night at my women's bible study we were finishing our book (which I highly recommend by the way... Joanna Weaver, Having a Mary Spirit, real change from the inside out.) We were flipping through some of the previous chapters and I came across the ultrasound pictures from Caleb's first two "normal" ultrasounds. I usually had a long wait at my doctors so I would bring this book to read and I must have put the pictures in the book. It caught me off guard, took my breath away. My friend Molly took them and put them in her bible for me. Part of me did not want them, but the other part did not want to throw them away. It is my only picture of Caleb in this world I will have, but it is so sad too. Molly will hold them until I know.

I have these random moments where it all hits me. Most of the days I feel true joy and contentment and freedom to do things I was unable to and to be available in a way I was unable to be for the past several months. Then someone will ask me the simplest question like "do you have plans for the summer?" and I cannot just answer a normal answer without thinking... "well I was planning on having a baby at the end of the summer, that was the plan". Boy does that put an uncomfortable spin on the conversation. When you are going to have a baby or even planning to get pregnant everything for the next several years is contingent on that event. I don't dwell there but I am aware that my heart is still in that direction at times. it is another reminder.

Then I have days where I get the tournament schedule for Jack's soccer and think, "good thing I didn't make any plans for the summer". I am glad to be able to be present in things that I was not able to be. Being at my 10 year old soccer tournaments is just as important as nursing a newborn. They need us just as much, just in different ways.

God does not cause evil or pain but He promises to use everything for good for those who love Him. I am convinced that He wastes nothing. He is the ultimate recycler of pain and joy and circumstance. In my study last night there was a quote from someone (not going to take the time to look it up now) but it was a simple one sentence prayer that went something like this..."Lord please show me who you meant when you created the original me." Life and this world and our own selfish tendencies can distort who we think we are supposed to be and ultimately feel frustrated or like we will never get where we need to be. What a bunch of lies! Before all, I am a created child of God, with a purpose that is eternal, beyond these moments but using every thing. I am so excited to see what the Lord has for me.

Thank you all for your continued prayers, I am so thankful.