Happy Birthday Kadie!!!!

On Saturday, Kadie girl turned 6 years old!!! She choose to go to Great Wolf for her birthday and we went at the end of Sept with a big group of friends. But on her birthday, she says to me.... "so when are we going to Great Wolf?" It took some time to figure out that that trip was for her birthday. So we did only family things, no big friend party, but it was nice. She had french toast for breakfast, then when to the dollar store to buy some treasures with her birthday money, then we did cupcakes and presents, then she wanted to go to Panda Express (her favorite restaurant) for dinner, then we went to see Where The Wild Things Are. It was busy and fun.

Kadie girl, with her new clothes for Paci Bear that she got from Jack. I have not taken her back to build-a-bear since she got Paci Bear so she did not even know there were clothes for them. I think the secret is out of the bag, boy we could do some damage at that store now.
The new Tinker Bell movie from Issie.

An easy bake oven from Mike (Brad's cousin), this is a cool gift. However, you need to buy a 100w light bulb to make it work and they don't make basic 100w bulbs very much now. It cannot be an energy efficient bulb, it has to heat up. So we have yet to try it.

The big breakdown. Yes we bought her barbies! She said that was all she wanted for her birthday, she said that she has a doll house but no dolls, and it is very sad. So I felt like I could do the barbie thing if they were all Disney princesses. Boy she flipped out..... she jumped up on the table to rip off the paper when she saw what it was. It was pretty fun to watch.

Kadie and her barbies!

Happy Birthday Kadie Girl! I can hardly believe you are 6 but sometimes you seem older. You are pretty funny and make us all laugh. You have a great memory and don't ever let us forget what we have promised. You have a great imagination and you can watch a movie and then proceed to stay in character for days. You are a great Pocahontas, and a great Bolt, and a great Wall E. You are so fun and playful. You are loving gymnastics. You are very brave and love to climb super high on the rope. You are sweet and helpful with Issie even when she is mean to you. You forgive easily, all of us, and I am so thankful for that. You feel things intensely, when you are hurt or upset you let us all know about it. You love to have things a certain way but it is hard for anyone else to see the pattern or plan. You have it all in your head. You are smart and you love Jesus. I am so very thankful that I get to be your mom. I hope you had a wonderful birthday. I love you.

bye bye puppy

On Friday, the puppy went to her home. She is 6 weeks and weaned from her mama. She was getting busy and starting to run around the house. I really tried to limit it so the kids would not get too attached to her. Jack was the most attached but he said good bye the day before so that made it easier. He was not home when they came to take her. Kadie was sad but got over it pretty quickly. Issie was obsessed with the puppy and now just says "puppy bye bye". Lucy seems to be doing ok. She got a good bath and we finally brushed the knots out of her ears so she is back to her cute little self. It was a good experience but I think we will not breed her again. We are happy with Lu and ready to move on.

Bye bye puppy.

Halloween Pictures

Life is a bit busy around here with birthdays, holidays, men's retreats and jewelry shows but here are a few pictures from Halloween, about a week late, oops.

Jack (on left) Mom/Issie (on right)
Kadie (on left) and Michael (on right)--Brad does not do the pumpkins:(

Cleaning out the guts, I love pumpkins. I love all the parts of fall.

Yummy carmel apples, I always think of making them and this year we did, they were so good.

Kadie as Asoka form Star Wars the Clone Wars. She was pretty tough.

Issie, and a tutu. She was terrified of her Tinkerbell costume and equally as terrified of the ladybug, daddy tricked her into wearing the tutu. The funny part is as soon as Halloween was over, she put it on and wore it around the house and to the doctors. She just makes up her mind when she wants too.

Jack the rock star.

It was a fun Halloween, we did the carnival at the kids school and then on Halloween night we just did a few houses in our neighborhood. Not a lot of kids do our area so the kids get tons of stuff with only a few stops. Always more than we need.

Pumpkin Patch in the Pacific Northwest!

Today was Kadie's first field trip in Kindergarten. We went to the Pumpkin Patch. Unfortunately it was awful. It was pouring today, not sprinkling, not raining, but pouring. On top of that it was only 44 degrees and on top of that there was an awful wind that made the rain go sideways, the temperature drop another 10 degrees and turned our umbrellas inside out. But in the northwest we go rain or shine. We all bundled up. I had Kadie and 2 other little girls assigned to me. We got there and ran from the bus to a covered area then went from there to another covered area for the kids to do the bail maze. At this point, the kids were cold but still having fun. Thus, this is when I took my pictures.

Kadie still happy to be at the pumpkin patch.
Kadie and her friend Abby.

Kadie and my other 2 girls, the beginning of the end....

At this point they are still trying to keep it together. We have done the maze, and the petting zoo and thank God they had warm water to wash their hands with. But as you can see they are starting to look pretty wet.

By now the wind is blustery, no one thought to bring gloves so all of their hands and mine for the matter were frozen. The umbrellas were doing very little to help. But for some crazy reason we continue on and climbed on to the hay ride where we all sit down to snuggle and realize the hay bails are soaking wet. Now we all have wet butts too. The wind continues to pick up and I have to put up my umbrella at an angle and hide all of the girls behind it. That is when the crying starts. Whining for most, but full on crying for my Kadie Girl. She is so cold and wet and I think most of all disappointed that this was not the fun she thought it was going to be. We still have to get off the hayride, into a pile of mud and search the hillside for 3 reasonably sized pumpkins for these girls.

So here I am 3 crying 5 year old girls, soaked, cold and miserable trying to keep a happy attitude. Of course every pumpkin we come across is rotten or broken, so we have to walk. Then the girls start being picky about what pumpkin they want, and crying because I suggest one that has some green still on it. At this point, I tell them, we have to just pick the first pumpkin you see that you can fit in your grocery bag and carry back to the tractor. These poor little girls, all picked pumpkins that were just too heavy beacuae they wanted to be done and we had little other options. Now I am dragging these girls back up the muddy cold hill, in the rain, carrying 2 umbrellas and 3 bags of pumpkins. Kadie is crying hard now, bawling and saying she never wants to go the pumpkin patch again. "Why did we ever come here Mommy?"

We made it back to the farm soaked, crying and miserable. Me still trying to have a sunny attitude and trying the be the voice of encouragement, when inside I am miserable and searioulsy wondering why did we come here on a day like today. We finally piled back on to the bus, which was warm and back to the school. Kadie sat on my lap wrapped in my fluffy teddy bear jacket. Her friend finally says, Kadie are you still crying, ugh! I carried all the pumpkins.

Kadie and I went home for hot chocolate and a hot shower and a long nap. At the end of the day, Kadie says "mom, I hope all of our field trips are not like that".

My question is this... when is enough enough? We could have easily after the petting zoo, walked the kids over to the crates of mini pumpkins, handed them each one and got back on the bus. I hate to give up, I know it was now or never, but really? I am sure we will always remember this trip to the pumpkin patch. It will be fun to see how the kids remember this in their writing this week.

Happy Birthday Issie!

Our baby is 2 years old today! What a big girl. We made it simple, just cupcakes and family with some singing from our small group last night. By the 3rd child, you realize 2 year old birthday parties are really not for the child and we just wanted to make it fun for Issie. I have been singing Happy Birthday to her for about a week, as all of my kids usually cry when people start staring at them and singing this strange song. So she was excited when we sang and had been freaking out for a cupcake since earlier in the day when she saw them so she was very excited for that.

Kadie had to blow out her candle since she was so delicate with her blow that there was no way she was going to get a cupcake without some help.

So, what do I want to remember about Isabella at this age? I have to say she has become a lot less demanding over the past few weeks, praise God. She has started to love to sing and I hear her little sweet voice singing her version of Twinkle Twinkle Little Star while she is playing with her toys. Her favorite song is Wheels on the Bus and what is so cute is that she knows all the hand motions. She really wants me to sing it in the car, all of the time! When we finish she is quick to say "again Mommy, again". I actually made an attempt to video her doing the song to post here since it is so cute and I know it would make my mom cry. But that would require a child that wants to cooperate and when Issie sees the camera she freaks out and just wants to look at the pictures. So I tried to trick her. I fixed her hair and got her all ready, did some practice runs of Wheels on the Bus and she was just so cute, I really thought it might work. Then I pulled out the camera to catch it on tape and this is what I got.

I will keep trying, I do feel a bit guilty that I mostly share her attitude issues. She is so sweet too. She is a girl of manners. She says "thank you" all of the time, and just recently "bless you" and last week she started "I sorry" (this is needed a lot as she tends to express herself with her hands- aka hitting) and today for the first time she said "you're welcome mommy". It melts my heart. She is a little talker. She can repeat anything you say and has really developed quite the vocabulary. She does not like a mess and will softly say "mess Mommy" several times before she starts screaming "mess, mess, mess, mommy, mess!" until I wipe the milk off her high chair or some microscopic piece of food from her bib. Then other times, if I am not watching her closely she will be wiping yogurt all over her face and arms like lotion. When there is a real mess she seems oblivious but microscopic messes are a serious issue.

Issie loves her blankie, my only blankie baby, she carries it around and rubs the edge of it in her fingers when she is sleepy. Her blankie can make a multitude of things better. She also loves Jack and Kadie although she tends to boss them around a lot. She will repeat herself over and over again until Jack or Kadie repeat what she has said. Kadie does it out of habit now, without stopping what she is doing she will just out of the blue say "yes Issie, yours, your bunny" then keep on talking or playing. Issie often is claiming the rights to something "my bunny, kakie". Jack usually is not paying attention, tends to block out the constant chatter of the girls. Then when Issie is screaming at the top of her lungs, usually in the car, "Crackers, Jack!" finally Jack will notice and say "yes crackers Issie", then all is well again. It is nuts. We all are somewhat controlled by the random desires of the this little girl. We try not to let it control us but it is harder than you think.

She is a snuggly little girl, when she wants to be, and it is so sweet. She will out of no where, run across the run and throw her arms around my neck and say "HI MOMMY" like she has not seen me for ever. She loves books and loves shoes and will bring them to you and turn around and plop in your lap for your help. She runs most places with this little hippity hop like run. She loves to move furniture, push chairs around the house, move stools and the ottoman. She loves legos although she needs constant help with them. She knows what she wants and what she does not want.

On Saturday, the kids had a Halloween Carnival at their school. I have this sweet Tinker Bell costume from when Kadie was 2 and Issie with her blue eyes and blond hair would make such a cute Tinker Bell. I got her new sparkle shoes and we put her tights on and ruffle socks but when I brought the costume toward her she started screaming in terror at the top of her lungs. She was terrified, screaming, "No thank you mommy, no thank you!". I tried to distract her, to trick her, thinking once she had it on she would think she was so cute. Nothing worked. So I have a lady bug costume that Brad's mom sent but no luck there either. Then I remembered this tutu that Brad's mom sent last year that might fit her, really anything would do at this point. Brad finally had to trick her into the tutu and she still tried to rip it off. I really was thinking, why are we doing this, for a picture, for what we think is cute, it really does not matter. But just when we gave up and said ok, you do not have to wear it, she says "NO!" and wants it on. Seriously! So she was not Tinker Bell, although we will try again for the actual Halloween night. But I cannot imagine she will do it. We will see.

My little ballerina, no hair done but you take what you can get with little Miss Issie.

I love you so much little Isabella. You have so much personality and are so uniquely you. I know your strong spirit and determination will be used in a mighty way. I love your precious hugs, kisses and snuggles. I love how excited you get and how you whisper in the morning when I come to your room. I love how you yell from your crib in the morning "MOOOOMMMY where are yoooouuuuu?" I love the way you dance and sing when no one is watching. I love how you are starting to pretend and play kitty. You make me laugh every day. You bless me every day. I pray God leads us in exactly the way you need to grow. Happy Birthday my little girl.

we did it!

Last weekend me and my close girlfriends ran the Girlfriends Half Marathon! I have lots of pictures due to my friend Marnee's son who took my camera and followed us through the whole race, thanks Wade! It was a miracle to be running as most of us suffered from injuries during our training and all of us had to be super creative and dedicated to train at all with work, kids, and commitments it is so difficult to figure out how and when to get away multiple times a week to try to run. Especially when running in itself is hard. I was especially happy to be there, I love to have a goal and I am pretty internally competitive so it is good for me to push myself past what I think I can do. I also had a pretty serious (not easy to fix) injury that kept me from running for 3 weeks and only got me to pain-free running about 2 weeks before the race. God is good.

The girls... Kristi, Melody, Marnee and Me (missing Michelle who was out due to a hip injury)
Me and Mel, I convinced her to run with me instead of walk/running as she planned up until 2 weeks before the race. I am sure she will never run a half marathon again. Sorry Mel.

Pre-race prayer...we prayed against injury and that in the end to glorify God. It was a good day to glorify the Lord.

I think we are at about 6 miles here, we were obviously still feeling pretty good, excited that we made it this far and clueless to how much harder the second half was going to be.

Kristi and Marnee on a water break.. not sure where this is in the race as we split up at about 5 miles. Looks like their 6 mile mark. Go girls!

At the very end! I ran the entire 13.1 miles with no walking (except to drink so I did not spill it all over myself). The course had a few surprise hills between mile 10 and 11 and between mile 11 and 12, seriously I was cursing the course at that point. I am no fan of hills but at the end, give me a break! I finished in 2 hours and 40 mins, about a 12:15 min mile pace. Clearly not a speedy one but so happy to run the whole way. My ankle did not really bother me at all and my joints were ok too. My muscles ached and I was exhausted but I was so happy to see that my body was not as old and broken as I had been feeling a few weeks prior to the big day.

Happy Kristi, totally surprised herself and did awesome, running more than she walked. Way to go Kristi!!!!

Marnee, me and Kristi, at the end, after some water and some food and some stretching. Happy to be done, happy to have gone so far. Mel is missing, but she did awesome, running straight to 10 miles then running and walking and running to the end. Her body freaked out with a bit a shock at the end and she was not up for pictures. You girls did great. Thanks for keeping me going, I could not have done it without you. Now what is next. I don't like the thought of running in the dark or in the rain so I am not sure I will be running any races til spring. But we will see. I still need to drop 15 to 20 so you do what you need to do. Go girlfriends!!!

the trials of motherhood

It is amazing what God gives us and how He uses everything to grow our character and set our path. My prayer life has become so much more diligent in this stage of life as a mom. My kids are pretty spread out in ages and the issues that each one is going through is so unique and so exhausting. I know just like so many other things I will look back at this time and think either that was not as bad as I thought it was or "wow" I am not sure how we made it through that. Time always changes our perspective.

Jack is beginning the prideful, "I know everything, you know nothing" stage. It is not full blown yet but the glimpse of it is a clear indication of what is to come. I realize this is a totally normal stage of preadolescence but he is 10 and I guess it caught me by surprise. I feel blessed that we still have precious time right before bed when we can talk and listen to each other. I feel blessed he still tells me what he is thinking and what he is worrying about. I am trying to teach him to seek his independence but to do it with humility. I am trying to read to him from Proverbs about pride and wisdom and not leaning on your own (10 year old) understanding. I am trying to tell him to rely on the bible and what God's word says about "opposing the proud and giving grace to the humble". He is listening. It is hard when the Word of God is so in contrast to what the world is telling our kids (and us). The world tells him that it is good to be proud, it is ok to feel like you are better than others if you think you are. It is right to compare yourself to others and look up or look down on them. It is a battle to constantly reinforce that we are all created in God's image and our behaviors have consequences but do not change who we are. Big things to think about. I want him to believe in himself but not be arrogant, to have a teachable spirit and a soft and humble heart. Like I said my prayer life is pretty strong right now, since we can not do this on our own.

Jack is also at the stage where he is frustrated. He gets frustrated by all kinds of things. He wants to control his life and when he needs to do chores and homework and which ones he needs to do and so on and so on. He wants to be in control. He feels like no one listens to him and his vote does not count for anything. He says he cannot wait until he is older so he can..... all kinds of things fit in to this statement. He has these unexpected stomping off to his room moments of anger or irritation. Then he comes out says he is sorry and all is normal again. It is hard to keep up honestly. He has a lot of feelings, a lot of pulls and pushes on him. It is a lot.

Kadie is in a whole different stage. Kindergarten is almost magical to her. But she continues to be my extremely intensely emotional dramatic little girl. The twist of a seat belt, or a drop of milk on her leggings can send her into an emotional reaction that you have likely rarely seen. By the grace of God I have realized (sadly just recently) that I am not responsible for my children's emotions. This is the perfect opportunity for me to test that truth. I allow her to respond as she feels is needed often this means crying and screaming at a very high pitched level and talking in a way that no one has any idea what she is trying to say. And as the storm starts to die down, I calmly ask "now do you think that was a reasonable response to what just happened?" Usually she says yes but occasionally she sees the irrational moments in her outburst. This is nothing new, it is actually much less frequent than in the past but still a challenge. I want her to express herself, she clearly feels things very strongly. I want her to know it is ok to feel passionately about things that other people may not understand. But I also want her to know the difference between this and a fit. It is hard for me to know the difference so it is hard to teach her the difference.

Kadie is also really wanting to be a good friend. We have been talking a lot about what a good friend is, for her to try to make good choices of who she is playing with. She is aware of behavior that is not nice. She usually just steers clear and chooses others to play with but this is getting complicated. She is now at desks with people and on the bus with people and natural friendships out of proximity are forming not necessarily out of who she would choose. She has already been drawn into giving others money or lying about things "because they said they wouldn't be my friend if I didn't". She says it is ok because she is being the nice friend, she doesn't mind doing these things if that is what they need. Ugh! Where to begin with that one? She told me she needs me or Daddy to come to school and help her choose the right friends. Very sweet. She has such a sweet generous heart. Our prayer is that she is drawn to even just one good friend and she is confident in herself and what she knows is right, and that she keeps talking to us about all of the details. The details are important.

Then there is Isabella. Honestly she is better than she has been, for the most part. She does not seem nearly as mean and demanding but she still has her moments and when she has them she really makes up for the times when she lets up a little. I am starting to realize this may be more than an age and may be an indication of a strong will. Today, for example, she spent 15 minutes in a full out screaming, crawling on the floor, fit in Walmart because she wanted to eat a banana before I paid for it. I admit, I have let her eat many unpaid for items in the past, but I draw the line on food that needs to be weighed. Again, another test for mom, I am not responsible for her emotions. This was clearly a fit and she was not to be distracted. She refuses to be in the cart and is actually dangerous in there so I often let her walk along side the cart pushing it with one hand and holding her blanket in the other. This made for a long and painful trip thru the grocery store. Workers were trying to give her cookies (which seems like a reward for a fit) but she in her loud "no" voice yelled "NO THANK YOU" at them. ( She says "no mine" so often that I trained her to say "no thank you" but now just yells her NO THANK YOU and it really does not seem all that more polite when said in a voice like that. So we get to the end of the checkout and I finally give her some banana and in less than 1 minute she yells "NO NANA.... MESS!" because the banana made her hand sticky. You have got to be kidding me! She rarely gives up, she rarely concedes, she is rarely distracted from her agenda. I believe God will use this determination for good and it is certainly helping me to be consistent and loving in all circumstances. THEN we get home, after crying the entire way saying NO MOMMY! and such, she gets out of the car seat and hugs me and in the sweetest voice says "tank you Mama" and off she goes like nothing happened.

There are lots of blessings having the kids so far apart in age. You can look at each stage with a different perspective since you have seen it come and go once or twice before. The difficulty comes when you get to that stage and this child deals with it completely differently than the others have. I feel stretched and pressed and challenged constantly. But I see how God is using it all in my life, to persevere, to really know what I believe and stand strong in those principles and to trust in the Lord, for this is all bigger than this mom.

Lu adjusting to motherhood

The puppy is just over a week old now but still has not opened her eyes. Her nose has changed from pink to almost black, it really just looks like she sniffed some dirt. She is sweet and eats nonstop. I have had many days to realize and relate to the isolation Lu must feel with this little puppy. I joke about visiting with her so she does not fall into a post partum depression. Lucy is such a people dog that you can tell it is a real dilemna at times since she knows she needs to be with her pup but she desperately wants to be with us and snuggle on the couch.

I laugh at her as she rushes out to quickly run and pee, and then quickly scarf down some puppy chow and a little drink all the while the puppy is yelping and whining. Lucy runs out and whimpers as she gets some quick affection and takes just a second to lick herself then rushes back into the kennel to calm the puppy.

It is just like when we have a nursing baby, and we are in a seperate room or off in the corner really wanting to talk to people, really dying for something to eat and hoping it is not all gone before we get done. I remember thinking, I will just set you here in the bathroom in your little seat and take a quick shower, I just need a shower. You know you need to be with the baby, the baby needs you. You love the baby but just a second of adult interaction or just a moment of privacy, or just a little time when your body is not their bodywould feel amazing.

Lucy is a good mamma. It is especially hard since the puppy has no siblings to keep her warm. Lu has to stay with her all of the time to be her heater. I sit in there with her by the kennel and talk to her and pet her so she knows she is not alone.

The kids are anxious for the puppy to open her eyes since I told them they could not hold her until her eyes were open. Soon, any day now.

The other day I was checking on them before I went to bed and the puppy was snoring, lying on her back with all four paws in the air. It was hilarious.

Lucy Lu and Kenya Sparkles.

Lucy's puppy.

Lucy had her puppies early! I put her to bed in her kennel on Saturday night around 11:30 and she seemed fine. Then I went running early before church with Marnee and went to get her out of her kennel when I got home around 8:30am and she wouldn't come out. I did not think anything about it at first since she was not due for a week and that is a long time in a 63 day long pregnancy. I went and took my shower and she still had not come out. She moves slow these days but I went to check on her and she was lying there peacefully. Then I saw it. In the back corner of her kennel was what looked like a puppy. I doubted myself at first as I have been fooled before by little toys that Kadie and Issie put in with Lucy to keep her company. I ran and got the flashlight. By the way, I was home alone with Issie, Brad had taken the kids to church but I was planning on staying home to get the car packed for our weekend at Great Wolf Waterpark. I ran back and yes there was a puppy, but it was in the back corner, away from Lu and not moving. I started to panic, texted Brad to come home. I was not sure if she was still in labor or how long the puppy had been there. I was scared to touch it, not wanting to touch it if it would freak Lucy out and not really wanting to touch a dead puppy. But I took a towel and moved the puppy toward Lucy. That is when I saw another puppy, already nursing and wiggling around. Lucy liked the puppy and tried to get him to respond but he did not. Brad got home and wrapped him up and tried to warm him up but it was just too late. I have no idea how long he had been there unattended, if he was born dead or just did not thrive. So we had to bury the little boy puppy. It was sad but we are so glad Lucy is ok and her other puppy looked great. It took some time to see if she was still in labor but I soon realized she looked way to calm to be still laboring. She was not panting and her tummy did not look to be having contractions. So it was just the two puppies in the little and only the one little girl survived the birth. Yes it is a little girl. We were supposed to be leaving for Great Wolf for an early celebration of Kadie's birthday so we were blessed to have a friend come up and stay at the house with Lucy and the baby. They seem to be doing well, I have not been able to get too many good pictures since I do not want to stress Lucy out, especially since she is a first time mommy. But here are some I took right when I found her.

Look close and you can see the little tail of the baby.
There she is just sucking away. She is cute but kinda looks like a little pig combined with a mouse. I am sure she will start to look different all of the time.

The hardest part, other than the baby that died, is that we were so hoping to have several puppies to give away. Lucy is so sweet and has been such a blessing to us and unfortunately she is a very expensive breed. We just wanted to bless some people with her puppies. It was hard to make so many disappointing phone calls. People understand and there was no guarantee but it was still sad. Lucy's puppy is promised to the daddy dog "Tucker"'s family. Since there was only one in the little Tucker's owners offered to not get him fixed so we could try again but that would be a year from now (since you skip a heat and they go into heat every 6 months) and I don't know if we want to do that to Lu. We will pray about it. She seems to be a good little mamma and had no difficulties with delivery which is what we were concerned about. Anyway, we will enjoy having a sweet little puppy in the house for 6 weeks or so. It is a great experience for the kids and they new from the beginning we would not be keeping a puppy so they are handling it ok so far. Jack was sad as he had hopes that his dad would get one then he would have a puppy at his dad's house but this is how life works and things like this are out of our control. I will post more pictures soon when I feel comfortable moving her from her mamma.

Missing Caleb.

It's late, and I can't sleep. Caleb's due date was this week. I was sad last week, realizing that if things were different I would be almost having a baby right now. But then his due date came and went and I almost did not even remember. In so many ways it seems like forever since I was pregnant. That so much has happened, our lives just changed course and it is hard to think of the course we were on. But I miss him. I have been thinking about what it would be like to have a baby (a newborn) right now. It would be overwhelming. But I miss him.

Sounds weird and sad but I have been praying that God would let me see him. Maybe even let me hold him, just once. I pray that He would let me see him in my dreams. Like that part in the book the Shack when Mack gets to see Missy through the waterfall, just to know she is ok. I have no doubt that he is ok, my desire is more for me. I just want to hold him just once and look in his face and tell him he was wanted.

I look back at the time I was pregnant, the 4 1/2 months, and how much of that time I focused on how miserable and unprepared for him that I was. I know it is normal but I regret that now. I never want him to think that he was not wanted. If I could just hold him once and tell him that. I know it is not likely and that is ok. Jesus can tell him for me.

Life just moves forward and I don't want to forget. I am not usually sad about it all anymore, but right now it feels sad. My heart aches. I feel content with the babies I have, but I did want Caleb.

I am living through Lucy now, yes our dog. She is pregnant and due next week. I lay on the couch and feel the puppies moving around in her little belly and try to count how many there are. I see how uncomfortable she is and how she really seems to have no clue what is going on and what she is really in for. God amazes me, in 63 days several little fully developed puppies are created, just 63 days!

My friend is having a baby in December. It is good for me to be with her. Surprisingly it does not make me sad. You see how precious life is, what a miracle it is. My Grannie Jane is sick with cancer and it is getting harder and harder for her. Life is precious, in the beginning, in the middle and near the end. I am grateful for eternity with no death, no pain, no tears. My heart is soft, not hard from pain and loss, but soft and tender for all that life has, the blessings and the challenges and I praise God for that. I see so many hard hearts, and I know that could have been me, if Jesus did not save me. I am so grateful for a heart that feels, even if it hurts.

Tonight I miss Caleb. I am comforted that he is safe in the arms of Jesus but tonight I still miss Caleb.