Brad and I were talking last night about what an incredible year we have had. It is pretty emotional for us to look back and see the miracle that God has done in my life. About a year ago, I had a real breaking point. I had lost our 4th baby in October. We had been trying to conceive for over a year when we found out we were pregnant. Then sadly we lost the baby at 3 months. I was exhausted, and emotionally done. Although we longed for a big family, I was sick of not being "in the moment" and always thinking of "when we get pregnant...." or "when we have a baby..." I was done. I could not imagine trying anymore and could not imagine I could survive losing another baby.
Well as you all know God had another plan. Isabella. If God has a plan for you life, you can get pregnant when you are trying not to. The pregnancy was super hard for me. I was terrified and angry and felt I could not trust myself to connect with this little baby. Thus the breaking point.
I knew I was not well. I had no idea what I needed to do. I was like a ball of pain just walking around, ready to fall apart at any moment. I started counseling with a Christian woman and it seemed to help but only for the crisis. Brad encouraged me to see a friend of his that was a counselor but I resisted. Then I went to our church's woman's Day Retreat. That's when I really lost it. I was blessed with several ladies that just sit and listened to me and then prayed and prayed and prayed over me. I finally confessed that I was so angry with God. It is hard when there is no one to blame for your pain. I did not want to blame God, I believe God is good and He does not do evil. But when you believe in an all powerful God, you believe He could stop things like this from happening but in this case He did not. I did not know what to do with that. I was in a position that I needed to believe and I did not know what I could believe so I started to separate myself from God and build a wall around my heart. It was awful.
Sometimes you do not even fully realize the extent of your pain and the depth of your sadness. You get used to it. It is familiar and even comfortable. Only now that it is gone do I realize what a heavy burden that was to carry around.
The healing began when Penny (a spiritual mom to me) presented me with 4 beautiful framed pictures of Jesus caring for my babies. It is the most precious gift anyone has ever given me. I needed to be reminded that Jesus loved my babies and He was caring for them. I spent the entire day looking at those pictures and crying and imagining what my babies where doing. It was incredibly healing for me.
(here are those treasured pictures that I still have on my nightstand)
I then had another breakdown at a small group when my pain and fear was just too much to bear. I decided to go seeing a new counselor. (Brad's friend) This is when the deep healing began. I finally realized that I did not understand who God was and who God wasn't. I had a warped view of how this life was "supposed" to look. I was totally oblivious of the choices I had made that had nothing to do with God. I had a lot of pain from my childhood (as we all do) that I had to sort through, feel and forgive. I realized how not forgiving situations and people was building up bitterness and self protection that was just plain exhausting. I realized what unconditional love really looked like. I realized how I had put just about every one's opinion of me and who I should be above what God was trying to say about me. I healed from so many things in my life and in my understanding of who God created me to be that the pain from the babies no longer overwhelmed me. What I thought was pain from losing the babies was really a lifetime of pain that was not felt and not forgiven. I finally realized that God was who I could trust. It may seem simple, but it was not. It has, however, transformed my life.
I now feel free. I feel free to love, to forgive, to give grace, to fail, to try again, to surrender, and to trust. A huge weight is off my shoulders. I believe in an awesome God, who sees my sin and because of His son, He chooses to forgive me every day.
In the midst of all of this, Isabella Mary Dean was born. She is like the icing on the cake. I look at her and I am amazed. The miracle of life, a new life in me and a new life in this little baby. God is so good. Thank you to all of you that prayed for me and cared for me during the good times and the sad times. I am so grateful.
( We have a family black and white wall in our home and our babies in heaven now have their own place on that wall. It gives me such joy to see their little faces. Madeline Jan 98, Finn July 00, Taylor May 05, Chloe Oct 06.)
Thanks Grandma Mary, Jack loved the iTunes card and the books. He swore he was getting clothes and was so happy to have such "cool presents". You did good Grandma.
And last but not least was a new soccer ball (the other current obsession) and a Garfield DVD from Kadie. It was a very good day to turn 9.
At the end of the day, I tried to tell Jack all the things we think are so special about him and how excited we are that he is growing up. I tried to tell him it is not about the presents but about how much we love who he is and we love to encourage the things he is passionate about. But he simply replied to me, "Oh Mom, I know you love me, but when your 9, it is all about the presents!" Pretty funny. Also, in case you are wondering, he is shirtless most of the time from "overheating" when he is running through the house playing soccer. We love you Jack!
