Great Wolf!!

Okay so this is surely the record for how many pictures I have put in one post! But it was hard to not want to capture everything and a picture is worth a thousand words, and we all know how wordy I already am. Our family went to Great Wolf Water Park this weekend to celebrate Jack Angelo turning the big 1-0! Yes, my baby boy is going to be 10 years old this week. It is mind boggling I tell you. So instead of a birthday bash or presents we decided to go for 2 days to what Brad calls "better than Disney". Keep in mind, Disney is not Brad's most favorite place since we have gone twice with kids, once with a newborn and once with a sick pregnant wife and a sick 3 year old, so not the best experiences. Anyway, this was a blast!

For my family back in Florida, you must understand we don't have water parks on every corner in this neck of the woods, and if you are going to have a water park and hope to make any money (which I am sure this place is making some money) you need to have it indoors. So this is an indoor waterpark that is connected to a hotel and you must stay in the hotel to use the park. But they have tons of other things for the kids to do as well. And they make it all oh so easy by giving Mom and Dad wristbands with microchips in them so you can easily charge all these other fun things to do to your bill. It could get a bit crazy.

We all had such a fun time! They really had something for everyone. If we had a baby sitter for just a few hours it would have been perfect since both Issie and Kadie still need someone with them and with Issie basically being wild, crazy and fearless, either Brad or I were attached to the girls while the other adult got to go on the super fun rides. It was still fun but a little time without the baby would have been fun too.

Jack was the biggest and able to go on all the rides and rode the biggest Tornado ride a ton of times, it was crazy fun! The first day he went with Brad all morning exploring and trying all the stuff. Then that night Brad took the girls to bed and we went back just me and Jack. We were on our own from 7 til 9 when it closed and the lines were shorter so we could ride the big rides over and over. The first time he took me on the Tornado was crazy. He made me go backwards and I don't know what was scarier not seeing where I was going when dropped several stories or watching is "freak out" face! He just loved it. We laughed so much. It is not often I get that much time alone with Jack, the girls are always there and he is so independent that I forget how important it is. This was special. It was fun to just have no responsibilities and have fun with him. He is such a good boy, a great big brother and he is really funny. I am so glad we did this for him and for us, it was just what we all needed.

On the second day Jack was off on his own a lot but also took turns riding the big ones with me and Brad. It was a great time. Here he is riding solo on one of the other slides.

My big 10 year old!

Kadie was a bit more cautious. She went right away up to the slides when we first got there with Daddy then got scared and hung out in the kiddie area with me and Issie for most of the first day. She was happy to swim around and practice going on her back and tummy. She even freaked out at the wave pool because she got splashed. She forgets that she learned to swim underwater last summer, but she figured it out and felt better once she had a life jacket. On the morning of the second day we convinced her to go with Daddy on a tub slide with her googles on and she did......

....that is not a smile on her face. Apparently her little bottom is too skinny and she slipped down and bumped her butt several times. It was a bummer and she was done with those slides. But then we again convinced her to go on the River Wild ride which is much bigger but you are in more of a raft and cannot fall out. Well this was the winner. She went with me and Jack and then again with Daddy and Jack.

There's the smile. Success!

But most of the time, Kadie's favorite was just swimming in the pool. She loves to swim around by herself playing imaginary games.

Daddy's girls

Mama and the girls.

Kadie's attempt at the Lily Pad challenge, she did not make it past the first one, it was just too hard!


Jack mastered the Lily Pad challenge after doing the splits about 7 times the first time. He was a pro by the second day.

Then there was little Miss Issie. She is so crazy. Fiercely independent. A quiet calm. I am serious when I tell you she was the bravest and craziest kid in that kiddie area! I swear about 30 other parents came up to me and said "wow, how old is she? She is crazy?" Thank goodness for that life jacket! There were 2 slides in the kiddie area and she went up the steps and down each slide at least 50 times. She would go down sitting, on her tummy, face first, walk down until she flipped on her tummy and then flew down, you name it! She always had a huge smile on her face, even when she was flung under water because I could not get there as fast as she could. She learned 2 new words the first day, "Weeeee!" and "Again". It was so fun to watch. Here we have Kadie at 5 floating around in 2 feet of water (totally content and happy) and this little 18 month old ball of fire racing around the place. She would often refuse my help unless she was going under or wanted to get up the steps to the slide faster. She would walk right past everyone to the front of the line, oblivious that you may need to wait your turn. If some other little kid was sitting on the slide and hesitating, leave it to Issie to give them that "push" they needed to get out of her way. Fortunately, everyone seemed to think she was the cutest thing ever and allowed and encouraged all of this behavior. What a crack up. Here she is soaking in the scene on the morning of the second day (much less busy than when we first arrived).

My cutie pie!

Not the best focus but I had to try to get a shot of her on the slide and still run and catch her a the bottom without dropping the camera in the pool. Too cute.

Here are the big kids at the end of the day, apparently Jack is getting too cool for the pictures.

The lodge also had a ton of other cool things for the kids to do when they were not in the water. One of the things was this interactive game called Magiquest. You buy a wand and follow this book of riddles around the first 5 floors of the lodge and when you wave your wand across different pictures, and treasure chests and crystals you earn points and then complete quests. I am sure I am not explaining this well since I could not keep up with them and finally stopped trying and just let Jack and Kadie run around solving the riddles like a million other kids. Thank goodness my kid can read, the parents that had to keep up were looking haggard. It was a super fun little addition to the stay, since at this age the kids can only handle the water for so long before they are raisins and exhausted.

All and all it was wonderful and we will save our money and do it all again as soon as we can.

Issie at the end of the second day. How we all felt but only Issie could do.

Happy Birthday Jack. What a great family memory for your 10 year old celebration!

We love you.

Blessings and memories

The past week has been good but bumpy at times. I feel blessed each day from someone, some new moment of encouragement, some sweet words or well needed hug. Thank you all for continuing to be there for me and for being so genuine in your compassion, it blesses me and it blesses the Lord. This is what He intended when He designed the body of Christ.

Last night at my women's bible study we were finishing our book (which I highly recommend by the way... Joanna Weaver, Having a Mary Spirit, real change from the inside out.) We were flipping through some of the previous chapters and I came across the ultrasound pictures from Caleb's first two "normal" ultrasounds. I usually had a long wait at my doctors so I would bring this book to read and I must have put the pictures in the book. It caught me off guard, took my breath away. My friend Molly took them and put them in her bible for me. Part of me did not want them, but the other part did not want to throw them away. It is my only picture of Caleb in this world I will have, but it is so sad too. Molly will hold them until I know.

I have these random moments where it all hits me. Most of the days I feel true joy and contentment and freedom to do things I was unable to and to be available in a way I was unable to be for the past several months. Then someone will ask me the simplest question like "do you have plans for the summer?" and I cannot just answer a normal answer without thinking... "well I was planning on having a baby at the end of the summer, that was the plan". Boy does that put an uncomfortable spin on the conversation. When you are going to have a baby or even planning to get pregnant everything for the next several years is contingent on that event. I don't dwell there but I am aware that my heart is still in that direction at times. it is another reminder.

Then I have days where I get the tournament schedule for Jack's soccer and think, "good thing I didn't make any plans for the summer". I am glad to be able to be present in things that I was not able to be. Being at my 10 year old soccer tournaments is just as important as nursing a newborn. They need us just as much, just in different ways.

God does not cause evil or pain but He promises to use everything for good for those who love Him. I am convinced that He wastes nothing. He is the ultimate recycler of pain and joy and circumstance. In my study last night there was a quote from someone (not going to take the time to look it up now) but it was a simple one sentence prayer that went something like this..."Lord please show me who you meant when you created the original me." Life and this world and our own selfish tendencies can distort who we think we are supposed to be and ultimately feel frustrated or like we will never get where we need to be. What a bunch of lies! Before all, I am a created child of God, with a purpose that is eternal, beyond these moments but using every thing. I am so excited to see what the Lord has for me.

Thank you all for your continued prayers, I am so thankful.

Women's Retreat

I am a bit delayed in posting this but it was so great that I really did not want to just skip it. A few weeks ago, right before we lost Caleb, I went on a Women's Retreat with my new church. Brad and I have been going to Simple Faith Calvary for about 6 months or so and have really been blessed there. It is a small church with strong biblical teaching, minimal programs and a totally loving atmosphere. We have been so blessed in the past by wonderful church families and once again we are blessed by this church family.

Since our church is small, our Women's Retreat was small, about 25 women. Most of the women in the church were able to be there, but my 2 closest friends could not come due to their girls ballet performances that weekend. It was quite the stretch for me to go when I barely knew anyone ( I really struggle with social anxiety in situations like this). I am so so so glad I decided to fight the fear and go.

The weekend was wonderful. We went to the beach and stayed at the most incredible beach house. See the pictures below, it was amazing! We had wonderful worship and teaching and the ladies that shared their testimonies were so impacting. But more than anything you could really feel the presence of God there. There was a safety and a joy that is hard to explain with 25 women of all ages and backgrounds.

I fell in love with the women of this church. God is so amazing. It is funny (not really funny) how we can get so caught up in our lives, our failures, our pains, and really have no idea about the lives of those around us. These women shared at such a deep and honest level, and loved on each other, loved on me, and shared such heartbreak but also had so much joy. There was a lot of tears but just as much laughter. God ministered to each of us and ministered through each of us. It is hard to fully explain how it was but I am so glad I went.

The Tuesday after I got back from the beach we found out that Caleb went to be with Jesus. Once again, I feel like God used that time at the beach to help prepare me for what was to come. Not only did I draw close to God that weekend, but I allowed these women to know me and draw close to me. It is so hard after something like this happens to go back to church, or go to any group, it is so hard to sense and feel every ones grief and not completely crumble at the weight of it all. But the very next weekend we went back to church and I was totally blessed by the love and understanding I received. God is good.

I have an amazing group of women around me and I am so grateful. Since then I have gone back to MOMS group, and to Women's Bible study and to work and each time it is overwhelming. The sadness in all these people is overwhelming. It really shows me how much they care about me and my family, but still it is overwhelming. It is not that I am not sad but I have grieved and I am grieving but sometimes seeing other peoples grief is overwhelming. But each place I go, each step I take is a step forward. Moving forward is good.

Anyways, the retreat was a wonderful time with the Lord and with these beautiful women. Here is the view from my bed out the window, can you believe it? I got the master suite with another girl that was pregnant too. It was such a blessing, I slept like a baby.

This is the large dining table, it seats 12, and another table seats 8 and there was tons of seating at the bar. This table was incredible. The ceilings were like our wood floors, every detail of this house was peaceful and restful.

Here is our kitchen, it was great too, lots of yummy food.

Here is the luxury Master suite, although all of the bedrooms were amazing. We were on the top floor but on the second floor there were 4 bedrooms, 2 with 2 queens a piece and their own bathrooms and 2 with 1 queen a piece and a shared bathroom. Then on the entry floor there was a pool table, poker table, foose ball, ping pong, 2 beds, bunk beds and 2 pull out couches. Plus a hot tub out on the patio. Really it was incredible!

Here is the main living area where we had our worship, teaching and sharing. We had an incredible view of the beach that was at times distracting, especially at sunset. What a blessing!

I cannot wait for next year.

Kindergarten Round Up!

Yesterday we took Kadie girl to Kindergarten Round Up. It is partly an orientation for parents and partly an orientation for the kids. Kadie went to a Kindergarten room and was matched up with a sweet little girl named Gracie that held her hand and took her to do some crafts and circle time. At first Kadie was super nervous and did not want us to leave but once she had a friend she was fine. Brad and I cried a little at the fact that she is so brave and already old enough to go to Kindergarten. The school is great. They spent a lot of time with us explaining everything and giving us things to do with Kadie over the summer. The most exciting part for Kadie was when they brought the school buses up and they let us go on a bus ride to learn all the bus rules. She was so super excited that she did not need a seat belt ( a bit freaky for mom but we all rode school buses when we were kids and survived). She was so funny. We then took her out to lunch (her choice) and to dairy queen. It was a special day for our Kadie girl.

Big Girl Kadie on the school steps.

Riding the school bus- without a seat belt!
Silly smiles but happy heart. We love you Kadie girl.

Soccer!

After two nights of long try outs, one night in pouring down rain, we found out last night that Jack made the Select Team! He was so super excited, he tried so hard and has improved so much but has just had bad experience after bad experience and we were not sure how much more he would take before just giving it up. But all his work paid off and I am certain he will have a great coach and a much better over all time this season. Way to go Jack, we are super proud of you for following through on what you love.

It is nice to have fun things to report.

bring out the best

Earlier today, I talked about how pregnancy can bring out the best in people, a little cloud of excitement that follows you around. Well after I wrote that I have been bombarded with love. I realize that loss brings out the best in people too. I recieved several cards today and emails. I have had little notes, and flowers, even from our plumber. I finally listened to my voicemails today and it was totally overwhelming. Each of you may think, there is nothing " I " can do, I will just send this little note, or this little email, but it is more than you know. I keep those notes, those prayers, I replay them when I need to know the Truth. I reread them and I remember what is real. I am very grateful for every prayer, every thought, every word of encouragement. I feel the love of the body of Christ, thank you so much.

Day by Day

I am feeling stuck. I feel like I can do things and then realize I cannot. It has been less than a week but I am ready to move forward. Physically my body wants to just sit around, emotionally I want to do something, mentally I am going a little nuts. Jewelry has been therapeutic, I have not done much for months and was putting my business on hold but suddenly I am busy and it is relaxing so I a grateful to have it.

Yesterday, at Kadie's school one of the moms just announced she was pregnant. Kadie's teachers know I lost the baby but I don't think many of the moms know. It was difficult. I could feel Kadie's teacher wanting to protect me from the news. I am happy for her, it is not that. I just realized that when you are pregnant, it brings out the best in everyone, it is the miracle of life and even people you don't expect get caught up in the excitement of it all. At work, everyone was so excited to see me and here what was going on in the pregnancy. There is a little cloud of excitement and positive energy the follows you around. Well, my cloud has changed to a little cloud of sadness that follows me around. It is not that I am necessarily sad all the time but I remind people of something sad that has happened, people don't know what to say, they are grieving too. Yesterday, I cried all the way home just realizing the difference of the cloud of excitement and the cloud of sadness. It sucks.

I went to church on Sunday, which was a big step. We have a wonderful little church and I just returned from a wonderful women's retreat last weekend (right before we lost the baby). It is just hard to go and have that sad attention on you. God is good though, the people were wonderful, it was not overwhelming, it was loving and gentle and genuine. It was good for me to go and continue moving forward.

I know to some people it may seem soon, but Brad and I are sure we are done with this stage of the game. We are very content with our family. The emotional roller coaster of me getting pregnant is just too much for us, for our family, for the people we love. We are ready to move into the next (no longer making babies) season of our life. Brad is ready for the surgery, I am ready to pass along blessings in maternity clothes and out grown baby gear. We are excited about the next season, of school buses, homework, soccer tournaments, swimming lessons, and family vacations.

Each day is different than the day before. Best to not have any expectations. I am blessed that my mother in law is paying for someone to come and spring clean and help organize my house for a few weeks. I am blessed by dear friends that remind me that I am never alone. I am blessed by a thoughtful, loving and patient husband. I am blessed by all of your prayers.

I have been reading in Deuteronomy over the past week or so. I love this book in the Old Testament. It repeats itself a lot, probably because we need to hear it over and over. The common theme is don't forget what the Lord has done for you. In the bad times and in fear, remember what He has done for you, the miracles he has done. In the good times, do not take credit for where you can arrived, do not forget that the Lord had given you everything you have. Do not forget the faithfulness of our Lord. Do not fear, do not forget and shout it from the mountain tops to all who will listen. Tell your children what He has done for you, write it on your forehead, write it on your door frame. Do not forget. I will not forget what the Lord has done for me and that He is so faithful.

I love you all.

Letting go...

Today was a tearful day. As my tummy shrinks I realize more and more the reality of how I don't get to hold this baby. I have cried on and off but today was a bit more of really letting go. Jesus gets to hold my baby and I am jealous. I am thankful I have my little peanut Issie still toddling around who lets me hold on her and snuggle. She is little for her age and super snuggly so I am taking all I can get while I can get it. The other two are not so hip on the long snuggles these days.

I got out with a friend today, running errands as I want to get out of the house but don't want to take the whole family and don't want to stop the narcotics. So my friend Molly was my chauffeur and it was nice to be out.

This stage is difficult because you are ready to move on but just can not do it completely. I am letting go. Letting it be what it is, moment to moment.

I have this picture on our family wall of all our babies in heaven. It is so special to me, a daily reminder of our family. I was thinking that I need to find another picture to add to the frame. As I was looking at it I realized I did not need a picture. One of the pictures is of Jesus with our boy Finn, and Jesus is tickling him and they are both laughing. I love this picture. Well in the picture there is another boy, looking over Jesus' shoulder, hanging on him. I remember when I put the picture up, Jack asked me, "who is that other boy in the picture". I told him, I am sure it is a friend of Finn. Yesterday as I was looking at the pictures, I was struck by the fact that, that is Caleb in the picture. Caleb was there all along, at least in God's eyes. I know this may seem wierd to some, some may say "these are just sketches of random babies and kids" but they are not to me. To me they are tangible, they are my babies, real and vibrant and happy.

I love that the Lord is so real in this with me. I have short moments of loneliness but for the most part I feel God's presence in every detail. Thank you for your prayers, I feel the power that comes with them.

Caleb Micheal John

We named the baby last night. Brad and I had not talked much about names, it is easier that way because he changes his mind and I get my heart set on something and get frustrated. Anyway the one name we had discussed was Caleb so we named the baby Caleb. But then Jack and Kadie did not think it was fair that they did not get a choice so Jack picked Micheal and Kadie picked John. It is a mouthful but we like it.

I felt great physically and emotionally yesterday until about 5pm. Then I realized that planting flowers on the deck was maybe not as important as taking a long nap. I am laying low today. Still surrounded with Gods peace but letting my body heal with a bit more rest.

In someways it all feels surreal. Like it almost didn't happen. That makes me sad. It seems like a 4 and 1/2 month blur. I know I won't forget but I worry I might. I feel pretty good, it is hard to tell I was even pregnant, my tummy has shrunk considerably and I have energy that I have not had in months. It is nice to not look pregnant when you are no longer pregnant but it seems like every thing is just returning to normal so quickly.

I do feel like I grieve when I feel like grieving, I am sad when I feel like being sad. I do not feel like dwelling there. I do feel happy and joy at times, being outside, watching the kids, laughing at my funny husband. It is just all a bit surreal. Hard to change directions, hard to not change directions.

I am blessed by you all, the words of love and encouragement have meant the world to me. Off to snuggle with Issie, love you.