It is starting to feel real.

We told the kids today, boy are they bouncing off the walls with excitement. All the things I worry about, they are totally ok with. My fatigue and exhaustion, they don't care. Not being able to do all the things I thought that they thought were important, they don't care. They are both absolutely positive that it will be a boy. I am trying to brace them for either but it is no use. It is fun to see them so excited. It makes me realize that even though they fight and bicker and drive each other crazy, that they love having each other. They love having more and more kids.

Jack said, boy you just turned 37, you are going to be like Abraham, over a hundred years old and still popping out the kids! I had to laugh. At 9 years old, 37 and 100 are pretty close.

I also told my dad and my mom this week and they didn't freak out like I thought they might. I guess they know that I love being a mommy. More than anything, I know everyone just worries because of the past and all the heartbreak and how hard it has been on my body. I get it. I feel total peace. Everyone is wanting to be sure I am seeing the specialist, and I am. All continues to be well. I don't feel anything however if I lay down in the middle of the day, I am snoring immediately. A sure sign for me that I am pregnant. For the first few months all I want to do is sleep.

Another random blessing is that my friend Julie still has my maternity clothes. The thought of all new clothes sounded appealing but I would rather not have to spend the money. She kept them for me, even though I thought I told her to give them away. It is a blessing.

I am without all of my 0-12 month clothes and some other random baby things. But the Lord will provide. It could be much worse. Issie is just 15 months so I am not totally removed from the baby stage (except in my mind of course).

Thank you all for your continued prayers. I will keep you posted.

In for a surprise!!!

So I just turned 37 and had this whole revelation about my age and where I am in my life and then everything changed. As a slightly late birthday present, the Lord has surprised us with another baby. Yep, I am pregnant!!!! I am totally numb and dazed by the whole thing.

If you are someone that I would normally give this news to in person, please don't be offended. I am totally overwhelmed by it all and I am not able to call and talk to people as I may have in the past. Plus we have yet to tell the kids and they are always with me and always have their ears on.

This blog is mostly read by my family and a handful of friends so I don't feel like I am broadcasting some private information to the world. It is just rocking my world and since this is where I tell my loved ones what is going on, I thought this would be where I would ramble about it all.

This is my eight pregnancy, yes eight! It has been a rocky road in the past. 3 kids with us, 4 with Jesus and one in the oven. We had our last, Issie about 15 months ago and we felt our family was complete. A weird feeling after being in the horrible zone of wanting to get pregnant for years. But we felt complete. We were not ready to make any permanent decisions to not have more but Brad and I both felt very passionately that we would never "try" to get pregnant again. (It is Satan's way to destroy a marriage.)

I was excited to be in this next stage, kids growing and doing new things. I have been giving away all our baby stuff, all my maternity stuff, grateful not to have to store it all, hopeful to get my body back into some kind of shape. We were at the stage where we could leave Issie overnight and go away for the weekend. It was a new season and surprisingly I was ready for it.

Well apparently January is my one furtile month of the year. This seems to be when over half of my babies were conceived. We were preventing and I was on my way to get an IUD placed next week. But God had a different plan. His plan is always way better than mine.

So I am processing. I am realizing that in the past my reactions to being pregnant were not healthy. I was either consumed by fear, obsessively not allowing myself to trust anything in fear of losing the baby, or I was completely obsessed with the pregnancy putting the baby on the throne and completely missing everything else that was going on in our life. I refuse to be in either of those places again.

I am not fearful. I am not obsessed. I don't feel pregnant. I am just doing what I need to do and loving my family as we go. Because of my history, I have already visited the doctor and done my lab work. Amazingly everything is completely normal. I have needed to be on progesterone with each of my pregnancies but this time my numbers are very high. All my blood work is great. Praise God. The nurse today just told me to hang in there and wait to start feeling sick. Maybe, I won't be sick either, now that would be great.

We plan to tell the kids this weekend. I know that will make things more real. I am 37 and pregnant. Boy does that feel weird. I will keep you all posted. Our next appt is on Feb 11th for an ultrasound. Please pray that all is well.

Kadie's project

Kadie is becoming a little artist. She loves to color and draw and paint and create. My mom sent her these letters and some ribbon and hooks for her birthday months ago and I have not made the time to do it with her. Today we spent Issie's nap time doing her little name project. I would have done a bit less color but I am learning to let go and let Kadie do her own thing. It ended up turning out cute and she was so happy that it was just the way she wanted it. Thanks for the supplies and the idea Grandma.

Sweet Kadie girl.

Girlfriends!!!

Last night I had my annual girlfriend birthday party. For the past 6 years, I have had a handful of my closest friends over to spend the night, eating, laughing and talking to the wee hours. It all began after my beloved hubby threw me a surprise party in which I did not react well. I have since been forgiven. For someone like me, somewhat of an introvert and a person that suffers from social anxiety, it was not a good party. So my hubby vowed to never throw me another party but wanted to know how I would really like to spend my birthday.

What I really like is quality time with just a few very close friends. I don't like to go to a restaurant for many reasons but mostly for the cost and the fact you cannot really talk about things when the people in the next booth could be listening. Plus they eventually kick you out. So I love to cook and I love to be home so I started have a few girls over for dinner. It has become my favorite thing and I longingly look forward to it every year.

This year I thought I would try to take a few pictures but I forgot. Oh well.

Anyway, I had a wonderful night with a few very good girlfriends. I cooked a ton of fattening food and of course had delicious desserts and sat around the on the couch with no responsibility for kids, talking and enjoying ourselves. We stay up late, we get caught up, we laugh, sometimes we cry and we just love each other. It is such a blessing to me.

Thank God for girlfriends. I cannot wait for next year.

If you did not know how old you were, how old would you be?

This is one of the things my dad always says. I think it is his way of saying "live life the the fullest". He is known for doing that. At times this has led to some unhealthy neglect of himself and the relationships in his life but no one would ever say he did not enjoy life. It is a joke in my family that taking a trip to my dad's is like being thrown into the movie "weekend at Bernie's". It is always something fun... he hunts gators, and goes to the Keys for lobster season. He lives in Florida by the way. He spends weeks away with his buddies in Alabama and Georgia during hunting season. He spends his weekends and some weekdays out in the Gulf on his boat just fishing and soaking up the sun. He throws huge Craw fish Boil Parties and always invites the whole neighborhood.

Here is my dad.... He has always been a ball of sunshine, his mom nicknamed him Sunshine or "Sunny" when he was a baby and that is who he has always been. I love you Dad.

Today is my birthday. I am 37 and I have had a rough last few weeks with lots of illness in my family so I have been feeling a bit more like 37 than I would like. Today, as I was driving the girls to the doctor, I was thinking about my age and then I started thinking about this saying my dad always says.

"If you did not know how old you were, how old would you be?"

It led me to think a lot about my dad, thus all my thoughts above.

If I subtract the past few sleepless nights, I would say I feel 27 or 28. Thankfully a bit wiser than I was at 27 or 28 but not feeling too much older than that. I look at my almost 10 year old though and freak out that I am old enough to be his mom. Then last night I was in bed thinking that when my mom was 37, I was 15! And I am 37 with a 15 month old baby! It is mind blowing how time passes faster than you think, how what you thought was young changes and what you thought was old changes. I think I have always had a good sense that old is not old until you are nearing 90, probably from my work with older people. It gives you perspective about what old really is. I am not saying I feel old or that I think 37 is old, I just thought when I was 37 it would be different, I have no idea in what way.

All this to say, I am grateful to feel so young and see life as full and to live in the moment. I am like and unlike my dad. In many ways I wish I could just enjoy life the way he does. Let go of the things I feel I "should" do and be and just be. Already this year I have had many lessons to really focus on "living in the moment". I tend to look too far ahead or fill myself with needless regrets. When I am home, I want to cherish being at home, when I am at work I want to be there and not regret not being home. We are blessed.

My friend Michelle, did some family pictures for us in the fall. They are all over this blog and I made a book of many of them for Brad at Christmas. I have some old pictures that I can look back at and see so much pain or sadness or just plain distance. Times in my life where I was not where the Lord wanted me, where He hoped for me to be. But I love looking at these pictures from this fall. I see so much joy, love, peace and contentment. This is where I am and where I long to be. Thanks Michelle for capturing these precious moments.

To live in the moment.. to be here now.. to cherish everything because everything changes.. to love deeply.. to laugh freely.. to give generously.. to be grateful. This is my birthday wish.

Feeling burnt out!

My Birthday is this week. I feel so much younger than my age. However, today I am feeling old and weary. A few people have asked what I want, and I never can think of anything. I was scheduled for a 2 hour massage tonight, which is about the best gift ever, but 15 min before I had to leave they called to cancel as the therapist injured herself. I wanted to cry. Issie has been sick for 9 days now (who's counting) and I took her back to the doctor today and she now shows an ear infection. I think I am just warn out from taking care of sicko's and just getting behind on everything and having no time for myself, I have even been taking my showers with her to help steam her up. I was so looking forward to going away for 2 hours of bliss. Instead I stayed home and did laundry, picked up toys and put kids to bed, not exactly the same.

For my birthday wish ( and wish it would have to be), I would love for someone to come and clean and organize my entire house then leave me completely alone in it for at least 24 hours. I want the time to myself to nap, sleep in, take a bath, journal, make jewelry, read a book, watch bad tv that the kids can't watch, but I need my house in order first or I would just clean and organize or at least be distracted by the mess. I know this will not happen but it is good to wish. Sorry for the depressing post. Maybe some little fairies will come and make my wish come true. If they do, I am sure they would be in high demand.

Praying to be content in all circumstances.

Issie loves hats!

Isabella is in the cutest stage! She is like no baby I have ever known, she loves to wear hats! She will pick up hats and wear them around the house all day. She will walk into walls with them, climb stairs, go to the store and at daycare she will leave her little winter hat on half of the day. It is adorable. I have been trying my best to catch as many snapshots of her wearing different hats over the past several weeks, it is not as easy as you would think. The delay on my camera is awful and she is too fast to not have just a bunch of blurr. Plus the inside lighting makes everything look yellow. But I could not help myself and I know the Grandmas will love to see her with her little obsession.

The pink flower hat.

The safari hat.

My sun hat.

Kadie's Christmas hat.

Issie's winter hat.

The hard hat, on the run.

Our sweet funny little baby. You are so easily entertained and we are easily entertained by you.

"Christmas lasts forever, mom"

This is what little Kadie girl believes. With all the weather and delayed mail, we have had packages slowly drifting in. Jack understand and is super excited every time the brown truck arrives, and Issie is clueless. But Kadie cannot wrap her brain around it. Why did they get me this? What is this for? I cannot believe they sent me this? It is sweet and a bit confusing. But she is loving it. The presents have been spaced out just right so she thoroughly plays with one set of toys before the next thing arrives. Thank you Grandma Mary for Wall E, it has already been played a ton and she plays all kinds of imaginary games about it. Thank you Tina and Popop for the Pet Shop set, she could not believe someone would get her "something so special".
And thank you Grandma Dauna for the fairy dolls, she is so proud that you actually made them. I think this is the end of the packages and the kids will need to realize when the brown truck comes it is usually with beads for mom.

So excited for the pet shop play house!

What a view!

This is the view just a few weeks ago from our living room. It is sunny and warm now, in the 60's today. I was looking at my camera and this was on it and it took my breath away. At the time I was getting sick of snow but looking back it is awesome. I am not decieved by the warm weather, I know there is more snow in store this winter. It is nice to have a bit of a break. We seriously live in God's country.

not much of an update

Sorry Mom, still not much of an update! I have been just getting back on my feet from the crazy snow filled holiday and have yet to update this blog. I am just drifting out of my after Christmas blues and resisting the familiar New Year urge to clean out and reorganize everything in my life. I feel like time is passing by undocumented but the blog has taken a back burner to getting my home in order. Plus my poor hubby has been down and out with pneumonia and strep throat for the past week so I have been on single parent duty. Anyhow, I have new pictures on the way and important things to say (at least they will seem important when I say them). But none will happen today, it is late and I am off to bed.