I realize much of my past several years was spent wanting to be pregnant, wanting a bunch of kids. Pregnancy is hard but it is worth it. I would have a hard time when women complained about it. Not the legitimate complaints but the random ones (hard to explain). I had the attitude that I would be grateful if I could get pregnant.
Now I realize a lot of these feelings came from a pretty unhealthy place in me, I do not ever intend to be judgemental, but some things were just hard to handle.
Well, here I am, hearing myself, realizing that I am that whining, ungrateful, selfish pregnant woman. I am not totally condemning myself, as I know to some degree this is adjusting and processing and totally changing my mindset. But I feel bad that I don't have a great attitude right now.
I am excited about what God has in store. I know it will be what is right, what is good.
I wonder at times about the fact that I can barely manage with the kiddo's I have, how am I going to add another? Everytime that I miss it with the kids, I ask God "really, do you think I can do this?".
I was a little sick this morning. Not terrible at all, just icky. And tired. I had a rotten attitude about it. I am always real, not a lot of hiding what I am feeling here. But I long for a different attitude.
I don't know what will help. It is not awful, I just don't like feeling this way. The Lord has blessed me with another baby, He has provided a stable job for Brad and health insurance, He has kept my hormone levels high, He keeps me healthy, I have a lot to be grateful for.
I pray for a better attitude.
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2 comments:
Kelli - don't let Satan whisper negative things to you - your "attitude" is authentic and nobody who knows you would EVER believe that you were anything but ecstatic over the life growing within you... despite not liking the "side-effects" of pregnancy, you radiate joy and you are going to get past this first trimester of fatigue and nausea and resume the personality you crave. Be good to yourself - if you feel cruddy - tell yourself the truth - you feel cruddy and it has nothing to do with the life you are carrying - it is just fact. God knows your fears and He will meet you there and love you through them - He is the PERFECT HUSBAND and nothing, including your attitude, will change the way He relates to you! You are beautiful! Be good to yourself. Oh, and remember, as far as the east is from the west God has separated your sin from you -- your feelings in the past about other people who got pregnant easily when you were struggling are no longer a chain around your neck - those thoughts and feelings have been buried and they needn't creep into your heart and cause guilt or discouragment or judgment on the woman you are now...
AAAAHHHHH!!!! Where in the world have I been? Congratulations! Oh my, I'm so stinkin' excited for you. Completely jealous, but excited!
Yippee, yippee.
Oh, and yes I will be praying about all of the serious stuff you just posted, but I'm just so excited for you!
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