A Very Sad Day

Today we learned our baby went to heaven to be with Jesus. I had a routine doctors appointment today (18 weeks) and we learned the baby stopped growing at 14 weeks. It has been a very sad day.

In the midst of it all, I feel God has totally blessed me with His peace. There was a part of me that felt something might be wrong, not enough to dwell in fear but enough to prepare my heart. The baby was small in the first ultrasounds which is not typical for me, and I had not felt the baby move and I usually do by now. I also felt I was no longer growing at my normal rapid rate. I was not completely shocked when the doctor could not find the heart beat. It is still so very sad.

It took me some time to adjust to having another baby. We felt content and complete with our family, which is another blessing from God. But I had jumped in with all my heart and was excited to see this little surprise God had for us.

About 2 weeks ago, I had a moment of fear, which I have on and off with all pregnancies. I was praying that night, telling God how much I wanted to completely trust Him with this baby. As I was drifting off to sleep God revealed to me something that totally ministered to me. He showed me how I see things in the immediate situation, in the moment, the here and now. He sees things eternally. He sees yesterday, today and tomorrow all at once. He showed me a picture of how he sees my family, my eternal family. You see, when I think of my babies in heaven, they are usually still babies. But this night, God showed me how He sees them. He showed me them as their actual ages, side by side, smiling, beautiful and complete. All eight of them, He showed me Madeline 11 years old, Jack 10 years old, Finn 9 years old, Kadie 5 years old, Taylor 4 years old, Chloe 3 years old, Isabella 18 mos old and the baby. They were all together, not separated by who was here with me and who was there with Him. I had such peace, such relief. I felt that no matter what happens that this is my baby, a gift from God that will be totally taken care of.

I believe that night was one of many ways God prepared my heart for today. In the past, the pain from each consecutive loss piled on top of the pain from the ones before. But I have been healed from those losses and all the pain that went with them. So this loss, stood alone and did not overwhelm me. If anything the experiences of babies before and Gods faithfulness only reminded me that I would be okay, I would make it, it would not be too much to bear.

I have cried, very hard. But I feel a sense of peace that transcends all understanding. I have a contentment with the family I have, I am so blessed with my kids that I have here with me, I long for nothing. I am blessed by those who love us, those who grieve with us, those who drop everything to run to the hospital, to watch our kids, to pray, to weep, to do what ever we need. You all bless us.

I know you all are sad with us. I want you to know God is so good and we are OK. We love you. We are grateful for your prayers. Tomorrow will be sad too, but we are not forsaken, we are never alone. God is faithful.