Blessings in the midst of pain.

Thank you all for your words of support and encouragement, it means more than you know. I feel completely showered with love and I am so very grateful.

I feel content, which may sound weird but I do and I am grateful. I have realized over time and suffering that my contentment and comfort grows when I am focusing on and recognizing the blessings we have. It never eliminates the pain and grief of a loss but for me it certainly allows me to feel it without dwelling there. To take captive every thought. To focus on what is good and what is true.

Today we were blessed with a very loving staff at the hospital and a completely uncomplicated procedure. We were blessed with friends that came to our house at 5 am to take care of your kids and get them to school. We were blessed with a meal we did not have to cook. We were blessed with many many many words of encouragement and prayers.

I feel blessed that God protected me from having to deliver the baby. I am grateful that we have no doubt that our baby is with Jesus and is perfect and complete and in paradise. I am grateful that my children have very little grief and sadness. I am grateful for my husband that knows just what to do and when he doesn't he admits it.

But above and beyond all of it, I am so grateful for a God who loves me and cares about every detail. I am grateful for the healing He has guided me in. I am so very grateful for the peace that he has totally wrapped me in. I have had moments of pure joy with my husband and my children and those who are like family in the past few days and that can only be a gift from God.

I was talking to Jack before bed last night, I asked him if he was okay and that I was worried about how hard and sad it may be for him. He said something wiser than his years. He said, "I am doing ok because you are doing ok". "I was very sad at first but I think I thought you would be lying in bed crying, sad, and grumpy, but you are not. So I know everything is going to be ok." WOW. It was another great opportunity to tell him why I was ok and to give God all the glory. He said, "Ya, I figured it was God, God is good ya know." Too funny. It made me realize how much my kiddos look to me to see God. I am sure that I do not always present the best representation of God but this week He has been revealed through me, at least to Jack and for that I am so very thankful.

I am also very grateful and blessed by my children here with me. Kadie has been oblivious but sweet and loving. Jack has been compassionate and strong. And Issie has been super snugly and oh so sweet. God is very good.

I love you all, thank you for walking along side me in the good times and the hard times. I am blessed by each of you.

Can't Sleep

I am up early, we have to be at the hospital at 6am for surgery. I can't sleep. I will miss having this baby. I am so glad that one day I will get to hold him but today I am off to say goodbye.

Prayers needed for a safe and uneventful surgery and blessings for our kids as they are going to be helped by many today. They are doing well, praise God.

Love you all.

A Very Sad Day

Today we learned our baby went to heaven to be with Jesus. I had a routine doctors appointment today (18 weeks) and we learned the baby stopped growing at 14 weeks. It has been a very sad day.

In the midst of it all, I feel God has totally blessed me with His peace. There was a part of me that felt something might be wrong, not enough to dwell in fear but enough to prepare my heart. The baby was small in the first ultrasounds which is not typical for me, and I had not felt the baby move and I usually do by now. I also felt I was no longer growing at my normal rapid rate. I was not completely shocked when the doctor could not find the heart beat. It is still so very sad.

It took me some time to adjust to having another baby. We felt content and complete with our family, which is another blessing from God. But I had jumped in with all my heart and was excited to see this little surprise God had for us.

About 2 weeks ago, I had a moment of fear, which I have on and off with all pregnancies. I was praying that night, telling God how much I wanted to completely trust Him with this baby. As I was drifting off to sleep God revealed to me something that totally ministered to me. He showed me how I see things in the immediate situation, in the moment, the here and now. He sees things eternally. He sees yesterday, today and tomorrow all at once. He showed me a picture of how he sees my family, my eternal family. You see, when I think of my babies in heaven, they are usually still babies. But this night, God showed me how He sees them. He showed me them as their actual ages, side by side, smiling, beautiful and complete. All eight of them, He showed me Madeline 11 years old, Jack 10 years old, Finn 9 years old, Kadie 5 years old, Taylor 4 years old, Chloe 3 years old, Isabella 18 mos old and the baby. They were all together, not separated by who was here with me and who was there with Him. I had such peace, such relief. I felt that no matter what happens that this is my baby, a gift from God that will be totally taken care of.

I believe that night was one of many ways God prepared my heart for today. In the past, the pain from each consecutive loss piled on top of the pain from the ones before. But I have been healed from those losses and all the pain that went with them. So this loss, stood alone and did not overwhelm me. If anything the experiences of babies before and Gods faithfulness only reminded me that I would be okay, I would make it, it would not be too much to bear.

I have cried, very hard. But I feel a sense of peace that transcends all understanding. I have a contentment with the family I have, I am so blessed with my kids that I have here with me, I long for nothing. I am blessed by those who love us, those who grieve with us, those who drop everything to run to the hospital, to watch our kids, to pray, to weep, to do what ever we need. You all bless us.

I know you all are sad with us. I want you to know God is so good and we are OK. We love you. We are grateful for your prayers. Tomorrow will be sad too, but we are not forsaken, we are never alone. God is faithful.

Potty Training????

So I have to admit that I am a lazy potty trainer. I can see the convenience of diapers and things get a bit more complicated, at least for a while, with the potty. With both Kadie and Jack, I waited til they were 3 and were totally ready and we had very little issues, no wet pants or accidents and no wet beds.

Things are a bit different this time around. First of all, Issie at 17 mos is telling me when and before she needs to go "stinky". It is pretty shocking to me as I don't remember my other two ever being aware at all and usually denying the clearly undeniable. So I decided to get out the potty seat just to see. Well, of course she wanted nothing to do with it at first. But then when Kadie sits in there with her, she is all about sitting on the potty. Well sitting, then standing in it, then turning around to take it apart and put it back together, then sitting again.

Then on Sat only the second time sitting on the potty, she peed! I could not believe it. We were hooting and hollering and making a big fuss and she was pretty excited, although I am pretty sure she had no clue what had happened. I went to get her a diaper, only to come back to see she pooped on the floor right next to the potty. So we are not really celebrating too much yet.

I have low expectations and I am fine if she is still in diapers come September when the baby comes. But I am also thinking that this may be possible to have her trained before 2. Is that possible? She only has about 10 words, so thinking she can understand this process is mind blowing but I think I may be underestimating her.

I will keep you posted, as I am sure this is a fascinating to all of you as it is to our household. Ahhhh, the life of a mama.

Sick Day

I stayed home from work yesterday with Issie and Kadie since they are both fighting colds. Issie is so funny, she is sick but almost hyper. Wrestling with Lucy and trying to snuggle with Kadie. Lucy is so good, she tolerates alot. It is always hard to have little ones sick but it was a good day to be able to be home with them.

4 Months already!

So for my mom, here is my first pregnancy picture. I know I look huge for only 4 months, part of it is the dress and part of it is that I am huge. This is how it goes for me and I am ok with it. I seriously did not think I looked this big but the picture does not lie.

All is still well, I have not felt the baby move yet but it is still early. I am happy to say that I found a new OB that is closer to home that is willing to let me try another VBAC. Praise God. It was sad to leave my specialist but the drive was so far and we all felt I am past the dangerous stage and that all is looking good.

I am feeling more and more excited about the pregnancy and the baby. It is neat to think that with all that we have gone through with all the babies lost that God knew all along that we would have 4 children. It blows my mind. I feel strongly that the Lord is telling me daily to "do less". I was so overwhelmed in the beginning but I now know that it was because of all the extra things I put on my plate. I am content letting some things go for now and being mom. I don't want to miss a thing, I want to live without regret. People, relationships, our family is more important than all the things I think I should be doing. God is so good.

I see the doctor in 2 weeks and have the ultrasound in the first week of May, I will keep you all posted. Thank you for your prayers. I am feeling so much better, physically, emotionally, spiritually and mentally. Praise God.

Easter Fun

We had a wonderful Easter this year, even though the weather was a bit rainy it was nice enough to go to a church egg hunt but the rest of the festivities had to take place inside. The kids has lots of fun. It is a wonderful time of year, when we truly remember what Christ has done for us and the miracle of Him conquering death and proving He is the son of God. Kadie has such an extensive knowledge of the crucifixion, and the resurrection that she taught her Sunday school class for the teacher. It is so precious to hear her prayers and thankfulness for every little detail, for the angel that moved the rock in front of the tomb, for the rich man who gave Jesus his tomb, for the disciples who finally believed He rose from the dead. It is sweet.

Kadie with her full basket, so happy.

Issie took a long time to figure out what was going on, she refused to pick up an egg. Finally I just put one in her basket, then she thought it was neat. By then, all the eggs were gone. A few little girls felt sorry for her and gave her some of their eggs, so she ended up with 4 which was perfect for her.

All the kiddo's, looking cute. Jack is at the age where he still thinks this will be fun but realizes it is a little lame. He says things like, "this is not a hunt, you just bend over and pick them up", "where's the challenge?" and "stickers?... who wants a sticker". He says it is still fun and I remind him that he is nearly 10 and not to ruin the fun for his sisters. He is great at helping them and making sure they get their fair share of the eggs.Issie, investigating her eggs in the middle of the sidewalk. She really needed to see what was in there right then.

Isabella on Easter morning. Not sure why she is covering her ears but she was looking at the camera and not moving so it is a good picture. Lots of drool on her chin as is the norm these days.

Jack in the middle of his string hunt for his Easter basket. I tried to make it a challenge but next year I think we are going to need to wrap the yarn around some trees outside and down in the back yard to really make it hard. He got a penny whistle and some new Toby Mac and Big Daddy Weave cd's so he was happy in the end.

Kadie on her new pink scooter. She has been riding an old beat up spiderman scooter for some time now and saw pink girl scooter at a friends house and was totally in awe over the fact that they make them just for girls. She also got the next set of the Magic Treehouse Audio books that she just loves.

It was a weekend. We completed it all with a yummy Easter meal with some of our dear friends from our Bible Study (our family here). What a wonderful time to celebrate our faith and our family. We miss you all that are far away and hope you had a great Easter as well.

kd designs-- Clearance Sale

After much prayer I have decided to take a "baby break" from my fun little jewelry business. I have canceled all my shows with the exception of one final clearance show on June 20th in Portland. In the mean time I have a ton of my stuff on sale, all in-stock necklaces are 50% off, all earrings are $5, all bracelets are $8. Things are going fast but if you are interested check out my jewelry blog at www.jewelrybykddesigns.com . I hate to let some of these pieces go so cheap but I know when I get back to it I will want all new stuff.

Porcupine Attack!

Brad is out of town all week for work and it never fails that something random and crazy happens. At least I am at a stage that I can laugh about it most of the time. Our 2 outdoor dogs are blue heelers and we keep them close to the house with an invisible shock fence. Well the day Brad left the fence had a breach which means it does not shock the dogs when they try to cross it. Well the dogs are so used to the fence that it took them about 3 days to realize they could venture across the fence. Today was that day.

I was about to leave the house with the girls to run errands and Kadie was at the door looking out the window. She said "mommy what is wrong with Dundee's nose?" I looked out the window to see a sad little dog with 3 big porcupine quills sticking out of his nose. Then poor Saphira looked like she was growing a white wire beard, she had at least 10 quills in her chin.

I called the vet and of course needed to take them in since I was not about to tackle this problem. The dogs hate the car, probably since they only go to vet in it. I had a heck of a time trying to wrestle them into their kennel in the back of the van, picking them ups fighting and barking, I would get one in and then the other would escape, seriously it was a mess.

The sad part is that it is super dangerous, usually they have them all in their mouth and tongue as well and they are fetal if not removed. I had no idea. They had to totally put them under to remove the quills, not an expected expense but what do you do? I told them to save the quills, Brad wanted to save them, but in all the craziness I forget to get them from the vet. Bummer.

Anyway, that was our Daddy out of town adventure. Here is a picture of Dundee's nose, I could not even get Saphira to stay put long enough to get a picture even though she was much worse off.



The porcupine won this won.