Missing Caleb.

It's late, and I can't sleep. Caleb's due date was this week. I was sad last week, realizing that if things were different I would be almost having a baby right now. But then his due date came and went and I almost did not even remember. In so many ways it seems like forever since I was pregnant. That so much has happened, our lives just changed course and it is hard to think of the course we were on. But I miss him. I have been thinking about what it would be like to have a baby (a newborn) right now. It would be overwhelming. But I miss him.

Sounds weird and sad but I have been praying that God would let me see him. Maybe even let me hold him, just once. I pray that He would let me see him in my dreams. Like that part in the book the Shack when Mack gets to see Missy through the waterfall, just to know she is ok. I have no doubt that he is ok, my desire is more for me. I just want to hold him just once and look in his face and tell him he was wanted.

I look back at the time I was pregnant, the 4 1/2 months, and how much of that time I focused on how miserable and unprepared for him that I was. I know it is normal but I regret that now. I never want him to think that he was not wanted. If I could just hold him once and tell him that. I know it is not likely and that is ok. Jesus can tell him for me.

Life just moves forward and I don't want to forget. I am not usually sad about it all anymore, but right now it feels sad. My heart aches. I feel content with the babies I have, but I did want Caleb.

I am living through Lucy now, yes our dog. She is pregnant and due next week. I lay on the couch and feel the puppies moving around in her little belly and try to count how many there are. I see how uncomfortable she is and how she really seems to have no clue what is going on and what she is really in for. God amazes me, in 63 days several little fully developed puppies are created, just 63 days!

My friend is having a baby in December. It is good for me to be with her. Surprisingly it does not make me sad. You see how precious life is, what a miracle it is. My Grannie Jane is sick with cancer and it is getting harder and harder for her. Life is precious, in the beginning, in the middle and near the end. I am grateful for eternity with no death, no pain, no tears. My heart is soft, not hard from pain and loss, but soft and tender for all that life has, the blessings and the challenges and I praise God for that. I see so many hard hearts, and I know that could have been me, if Jesus did not save me. I am so grateful for a heart that feels, even if it hurts.

Tonight I miss Caleb. I am comforted that he is safe in the arms of Jesus but tonight I still miss Caleb.