the trials of motherhood

It is amazing what God gives us and how He uses everything to grow our character and set our path. My prayer life has become so much more diligent in this stage of life as a mom. My kids are pretty spread out in ages and the issues that each one is going through is so unique and so exhausting. I know just like so many other things I will look back at this time and think either that was not as bad as I thought it was or "wow" I am not sure how we made it through that. Time always changes our perspective.

Jack is beginning the prideful, "I know everything, you know nothing" stage. It is not full blown yet but the glimpse of it is a clear indication of what is to come. I realize this is a totally normal stage of preadolescence but he is 10 and I guess it caught me by surprise. I feel blessed that we still have precious time right before bed when we can talk and listen to each other. I feel blessed he still tells me what he is thinking and what he is worrying about. I am trying to teach him to seek his independence but to do it with humility. I am trying to read to him from Proverbs about pride and wisdom and not leaning on your own (10 year old) understanding. I am trying to tell him to rely on the bible and what God's word says about "opposing the proud and giving grace to the humble". He is listening. It is hard when the Word of God is so in contrast to what the world is telling our kids (and us). The world tells him that it is good to be proud, it is ok to feel like you are better than others if you think you are. It is right to compare yourself to others and look up or look down on them. It is a battle to constantly reinforce that we are all created in God's image and our behaviors have consequences but do not change who we are. Big things to think about. I want him to believe in himself but not be arrogant, to have a teachable spirit and a soft and humble heart. Like I said my prayer life is pretty strong right now, since we can not do this on our own.

Jack is also at the stage where he is frustrated. He gets frustrated by all kinds of things. He wants to control his life and when he needs to do chores and homework and which ones he needs to do and so on and so on. He wants to be in control. He feels like no one listens to him and his vote does not count for anything. He says he cannot wait until he is older so he can..... all kinds of things fit in to this statement. He has these unexpected stomping off to his room moments of anger or irritation. Then he comes out says he is sorry and all is normal again. It is hard to keep up honestly. He has a lot of feelings, a lot of pulls and pushes on him. It is a lot.

Kadie is in a whole different stage. Kindergarten is almost magical to her. But she continues to be my extremely intensely emotional dramatic little girl. The twist of a seat belt, or a drop of milk on her leggings can send her into an emotional reaction that you have likely rarely seen. By the grace of God I have realized (sadly just recently) that I am not responsible for my children's emotions. This is the perfect opportunity for me to test that truth. I allow her to respond as she feels is needed often this means crying and screaming at a very high pitched level and talking in a way that no one has any idea what she is trying to say. And as the storm starts to die down, I calmly ask "now do you think that was a reasonable response to what just happened?" Usually she says yes but occasionally she sees the irrational moments in her outburst. This is nothing new, it is actually much less frequent than in the past but still a challenge. I want her to express herself, she clearly feels things very strongly. I want her to know it is ok to feel passionately about things that other people may not understand. But I also want her to know the difference between this and a fit. It is hard for me to know the difference so it is hard to teach her the difference.

Kadie is also really wanting to be a good friend. We have been talking a lot about what a good friend is, for her to try to make good choices of who she is playing with. She is aware of behavior that is not nice. She usually just steers clear and chooses others to play with but this is getting complicated. She is now at desks with people and on the bus with people and natural friendships out of proximity are forming not necessarily out of who she would choose. She has already been drawn into giving others money or lying about things "because they said they wouldn't be my friend if I didn't". She says it is ok because she is being the nice friend, she doesn't mind doing these things if that is what they need. Ugh! Where to begin with that one? She told me she needs me or Daddy to come to school and help her choose the right friends. Very sweet. She has such a sweet generous heart. Our prayer is that she is drawn to even just one good friend and she is confident in herself and what she knows is right, and that she keeps talking to us about all of the details. The details are important.

Then there is Isabella. Honestly she is better than she has been, for the most part. She does not seem nearly as mean and demanding but she still has her moments and when she has them she really makes up for the times when she lets up a little. I am starting to realize this may be more than an age and may be an indication of a strong will. Today, for example, she spent 15 minutes in a full out screaming, crawling on the floor, fit in Walmart because she wanted to eat a banana before I paid for it. I admit, I have let her eat many unpaid for items in the past, but I draw the line on food that needs to be weighed. Again, another test for mom, I am not responsible for her emotions. This was clearly a fit and she was not to be distracted. She refuses to be in the cart and is actually dangerous in there so I often let her walk along side the cart pushing it with one hand and holding her blanket in the other. This made for a long and painful trip thru the grocery store. Workers were trying to give her cookies (which seems like a reward for a fit) but she in her loud "no" voice yelled "NO THANK YOU" at them. ( She says "no mine" so often that I trained her to say "no thank you" but now just yells her NO THANK YOU and it really does not seem all that more polite when said in a voice like that. So we get to the end of the checkout and I finally give her some banana and in less than 1 minute she yells "NO NANA.... MESS!" because the banana made her hand sticky. You have got to be kidding me! She rarely gives up, she rarely concedes, she is rarely distracted from her agenda. I believe God will use this determination for good and it is certainly helping me to be consistent and loving in all circumstances. THEN we get home, after crying the entire way saying NO MOMMY! and such, she gets out of the car seat and hugs me and in the sweetest voice says "tank you Mama" and off she goes like nothing happened.

There are lots of blessings having the kids so far apart in age. You can look at each stage with a different perspective since you have seen it come and go once or twice before. The difficulty comes when you get to that stage and this child deals with it completely differently than the others have. I feel stretched and pressed and challenged constantly. But I see how God is using it all in my life, to persevere, to really know what I believe and stand strong in those principles and to trust in the Lord, for this is all bigger than this mom.